NONSENSE

There’s a magazine which has a weekly contest, and the responses are often SO clever and sometimes hilarious. They ask readers to respond and then choose one or more of the best responses. I decided I’d share a few of them “now and then.” And today is our first day to experience them. Hope some of them make you smile!

Two Texas deer hunters were attacked by a revenge-minded buck, which charged into them, chased them into their truck, and ate their cigarettes. We asked you to please imagine the next instance of animal revenge on humankind, in headline format.  Reindeer Charge Santa $25 Per Carry-on Bag!

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People with math anxiety feel actual pain when forced to do difficult numerical problems, according to a study that scanned their brains with MRI machines. We asked you to come up with a medical name for the misery felt by math haters.  Fibromyalgebra – Trig-anosis – Sine Flu

A New Jersey homeowner put up a sign on his lawn reading, “House for sale by owner, because my neighbor’s stupid.” We wondered, what truthful For Sale sign would you put up in front of your home?  House for sale before adult children try to move back in  /  House for sale by owner: We paid more than you will

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An archaeologist discovered an Aboriginal cave painting in the Australian outback that was created 28,000 years ago. What line of graffiti might have been found next to it?  Say NO to the wheel  / Only 9,492,798 shopping days until Christmas! / Repent now! The world will end in 27,999 B.C.
After 115 years together, Bibi and Poldi—a mated pair of Galápagos giant tortoises at an Austrian zoo—had a vicious, biting fight and are no longer on speaking terms. We asked you for the last sentence one of them said to the other before the fight began.  I cheered for the hare. / Yeah, that outfit makes you look fat. / Just so you know … you taste like chicken.

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NONSENSE on TUESDAY

There are some things we can do to maintain a healthy level of insanity. You read it right: Insanity.  Yes.  And for your edification (but mostly your entertainment) I’d like to mention just a few on this January morning.

  1. DURING A BUSY TIME OF DAY ON A BUSY STREET, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIRDRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN. WEAR SOME KIND OF CAP IF YOU HAVE ONE.
  2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON’T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE. (Seems like I saw a movie once where a woman paged herself, just so she could be “paged”).
  3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK “WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?” OR ASK “WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUPER-SIZE THAT?”
  4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT “IN”
  5. WHEN TRYING ON CLOTHES IN A DRESSING ROOM, YELL OUT “THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!”
  6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE “TAKE A GUESS” OR “MAKE A SUGGESTION”
  7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH “IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE RULE OF LAW.”
  8. DONT USE PUNCTUATION (this is happening anyway in your own community, your own neighborhood, maybe in your own home!).
  9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.
  10. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE‑THRU ORDER IS “TO GO.”
  11. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA (Try to make your words sound Italian)
  12. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON’T RHYME
  13. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA AND PLAY TROPICAL SOUNDS ALL DAY. YOU MIGHT WANT TO WEAR ONE OF “THOSE” HATS.
  14. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM “I WON I WON! 3 AVOCADOES IN A ROW!”
  15. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THEY’RE LOOSE!”
  16. TELL YOUR CHILDREN DURING DINNER, “DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO LET ONE OF YOU GO. NOMINATIONS ARE NOW OPEN.”
  17. CALL SOMEONE AND TELL THEM YOU’VE BEEN HAVING A STRONG FEELING THAT THEY’RE ABOUT TO CALL AND ASK YOU IF THERE’S ANYTHING THEY CAN DO TO HELP YOU. THEN TELL THEM WHAT IT IS THEY CAN DO.
  18. CALL OR VISIT A PLASTIC SURGEON AND TELL HIM (OR HER) THAT YOU DON’T WANT YOUR FACE LIFTED … YOU WANT YOUR BODY LOWERED….

HELP SAVE THE EARTH.  IT’S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE.